


Don't throw this away

by edgeoflights



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Skye | Daisy Johnson, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Multi, POV Skye | Daisy Johnson, Philinda - Freeform, Post-Season/Series 03, SHIELD Director Skye | Daisy Johnson, Suicide Attempt, philindaisy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25493899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edgeoflights/pseuds/edgeoflights
Summary: Post-season 3 finale AU: Daisy doesn't run away; she attempts suicide.An emotional hurt/comfort family fic that follows Daisy as she learns how to love herself again, even after Hive and Lincoln, with the help of Philinda and the team.This story is part of theLLF Comment Project
Relationships: Leo Fitz & Jemma Simmons & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons, Phil Coulson & Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May, Skye | Daisy Johnson & Agents of SHIELD Team
Comments: 79
Kudos: 202





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> wooooo haha fuck ):
> 
> Beta'd by Bad_ash10! She's awesome, please go check out her fics :D
> 
> See end notes for trigger warnings (and there are a lot) bc there are spoilers.
> 
> Let the angst commence

When the quinjet exploded, they didn’t know what to do.

They listened in pained silence as Daisy’s sobs tore through the air. She was still clutching the comms device and had her hand over her mouth, crying into her palm.

After a couple of minutes, Daisy started muttering, “No, no, no.” She stood up and turned to face them all. “He’s not…” She grasped for a way out; something she could use to prove Lincoln was alive.

She turned to face FitzSimmons, who were both crying. Jemma shook her head. “He couldn’t have, Daisy.” She said gently.

Daisy pursed her lips as the tears ran down her face. She shook her head desperately. “No, you’re _ wrong _ ,” she said vehemently. “He- he’s got the ability to fly. Maybe he… maybe he did something electrical and saved himself. Right, Fitz?”

He just looked at the ground. “I’m sorry, Daisy,” he mumbled. 

Daisy choked and collapsed onto the floor, clawing at her throat and gasping for air. Most of the team rushed over to her in alarm but she backed away from them all. “Don’t… don’t touch me,” she wheezed. “ ‘M a  _ monster _ .”

She groaned there pitifully, curling into a ball and rocking back and forth, sobs racking her body.

After it became clear she wouldn’t let anyone touch her, they all gave her a little space. May fled to the cockpit while FitzSimmons busied themselves by seeing if they could reverse the Primitives' condition. Coulson sat quietly in the main transport room, keeping an eye on Daisy, and Mack went to go double check that all of the Primitives had been captured.

The plane flew for another hour in silence before finally touching down in the Playground. Daisy’s cries had quieted down to shudders passing through her body and little whimpers that cut into Coulson’s heart.

“Daisy, we’re here.” He told her softly. She didn’t acknowledge him. 

May came up beside him. “She needs time,” she told him quietly. “Let’s leave her here; give her some space.”

He nodded reluctantly and let May pull him away from the young woman he considered to be his daughter.

Once everyone left, Daisy lay on the floor, tears still streaming down her face. Her gut felt like it had been stabbed repeatedly, and a chasm opened within her that hadn’t been there before.

After an hour of unbearable pain, she just couldn’t take it anymore.

She had to end it.

Seeing red, Daisy slipped out of the Zephyr and quietly made her way past all the agents in the hall. Everyone averted their eyes as she passed, and she soon found herself at her bunk. She cracked the door open, and took a couple of steps into the dark room. She couldn’t bear to turn on the lights; to see the bed that she and Lincoln shared only days before.

Shuffling around in the darkness, she dug into her drawer until she found exactly what she’d been looking for.

As her fingers curled around the cold barrel of a Glock, the reality of what she was about to do set in. She wiped at her eyes with her free hand and then set off to go to the last place she would ever see.

The training room was her favorite room on the base for various reasons. It was where she spent the early mornings with May; where she would beat Coulson at sparring; and test new gadgets out with FitzSimmons. She wanted it to be the last thing she saw; a place that spawned so many good memories.

Daisy entered the empty room, grateful that it was void of agents. She moved to the center of the main mat, the gun clutched tightly in her hand. 

She took shallow, dark breaths and lifted the gun up to her head, her entire body tense.

_ I’m so sorry, Lincoln,  _ she thought.  _ 5, 4, 3, 2- _

“Daisy?”

_ Coulson. _

She froze. 

“Daisy, please. Look at me.” 

She stayed still, facing away from him at the wall.

“Please, don’t,” she whispered.  _ If you stop me, I won’t be able to go through with it. I’ll be stuck here. Just let me go. _

Coulson slowly circled around her quietly. He looked terrified; more than Daisy had ever seen him.

“Please,” he begged.

She shook her head, clenching her eyes and pushing the gun further against her skull.

“Okay,” she heard, then the safety of a gun clicked off. Daisy opened her eyes in alarm to see Coulson with a gun against his head as well.

“What are you doing?” she rasped.

“If you do it, I’ll follow suit,” he said grimly.

Daisy opened her mouth, agape. “Why?”

“A world without you isn’t worth it,” he whispered.

Daisy shook her head in denial, studying him, trying to see if he was bluffing. He looked dead serious, his mouth set in a grim line.

“Stop,” she begged. “The team needs you.”

“They need you too.”

Daisy shook her head violently. “No, no. I’m a monster. I hurt them, they’re better off without me; you’re better off.  _ Please _ , Coulson, don’t do this,” she pleaded.

“I won’t if you give the gun to me,” he said softly.

Daisy bit her lip. “I just want it to stop,” she whispered, her hand shaking.

“We’ll figure it out, I promise. Drop the gun, Daisy.”

She hesitated, then shook her head. “I don’t believe you. I’m sorry.”

She prepared to squeeze the trigger, but instead fell as an icer bullet hit her back. She collapsed, dropping the gun on the floor, as May walked up behind her and picked it up. The two agents looked at the small girl on the floor.

“I don’t know what to _ do _ ,” Coulson admitted despairingly. “She needs help.”

“We’ll help her.” May responded quietly.

  
  


.o.

  
  


Daisy woke up with a signature icer headache in one of the containment rooms’ large white bed.

“No, no, no,” she groaned. It didn’t work. Someone had iced her. May, if she had to guess. Daisy would’ve noticed anybody else behind her.

She laid there miserably, then noticed that her wrists each had a thin silver band on them, plus a heart monitor watch was on her left arm, tracking her vitals, she guessed. A similar band was loose around her neck.

“What-” she said groggily. She tapped the bands. They weren’t restraining her to anything.

“They’re for your safety,” she heard. Daisy looked up to see Fitz entering, a grim look on his face and a tablet in his arms. “They’re, um, suicide bracelets.”

Daisy stared at him warily and then nodded. “They do stuff?”

“If you try to harm yourself, it has measures in place to keep you from succeeding.”

“Oh.” she said quietly, pulling her knees into her chest. “You should go. You don’t want to be in a room alone with me.” she told him.

He huffed. “You’re not going to hurt me, Daisy.”

“How do you know?” she challenged, irked that he just dismissed her like that. “I’ve done it before.”

“Under Hive.” 

Daisy flinched at the name. 

“You’re free now.”

Daisy barked out a short laugh. “I don’t  _ feel _ free. Am I allowed to leave the room?”

Fitz bit his lip. “The safety measures don’t work outside of this room, so, not right now.”

Daisy scoffed. “There’s only one way I’d really feel free,” she muttered. They both knew exactly what she meant. Fitz shook his head sadly and slipped out the door. Daisy sighed, messing with the bands on her wrists; trying to slip them off. When it didn’t work, she laid back down and fell asleep, miserable.

  
  


.o.

  
  


The next morning, she woke up to Coulson sitting near her bed. He was sleeping in his chair, so Daisy shifted quietly, trying not to wake him up.

He looked tired. More than he’d been before. At least when he was sleeping, his face was relaxed.

Daisy wanted to scream at him to leave, to not get close to her, for his safety, but she couldn’t. Because he was asleep, and Daisy didn’t want to bother him again.

Everything felt muted and grey. The only thing she could truly feel was extreme anger, even under the layer of fog that gave everything a dreary quality.

She coughed loudly, accidentally waking Coulson up. She felt him moving, so she turned away from him and curled up in the bed. She heard him breathing behind her but not saying anything.

After a couple of excruciating minutes, she said, “You were stupid.”

He gave her a dry chuckle. “That’s ironic.”

“You shouldn’t have bluffed like that.”

“I wasn’t bluffing.” 

Daisy turned to look at him, and he looked sincere. Sad, but telling the truth. “Why?”

“I told you. A life without you isn’t really a life worth living.”

She sniffed and turned her back to him again. “Don’t say that.” she whispered. “Don’t act like you care about me.”

“What? Daisy- You mean more to me than almost anybody; of course I care.”

“No. You don’t.” She shook her head. If they cared, that would mean she had something left to lose, something holding her from seeing Lincoln again.

“Dais-”

“Stop. Just leave me alone.” she mumbled. “You have May. You don’t need me. And I sure as hell don’t need you,” she lied, pushing him away.

After a couple of minutes of silence, she felt him get up and leave the room. She fell back asleep quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote 27 pages of this fic
> 
> pardon my language. heed trigger warnings in end notes

The next week, Daisy didn’t say more than a couple of words to anyone visiting, not even her therapist. She blocked them all out, not wanting to hear their false condolences.

Coulson visited her twice a day; May once. Jemma checked up on her everyday and Fitz usually tagged along. Yoyo came bearing gifts. She never said much, which Daisy was grateful for. Mack always tried to get her to talk.

She didn’t want to talk.

Sometimes, to be left alone, she would lash out at those she cared about most. She told May more than a few times that the woman was heartless and cruel, even though she knew it was far from true and it hurt her heart to say. She told FitzSimmons that they only ever made things worse, and told Mack that it was all his fault.

Whatever she could do to push them away. They’d be safe once they’d forgotten about her.

And yet they kept coming back.

They wouldn’t leave her the fuck alone. She screamed nonsense at Coulson one time and had then fallen to the floor, sobbing. He held her then, and still came back again that day.

She tried to cut herself using water glasses 7 times, yet was prevented by the cuffs magnetically attaching her to the wall. She always knew it would happen but she still tried.

They then removed everything breakable from the room and her food started coming on plastic plates and cups and silverware. 

Then she stopped eating one day.

Jemma and Coulson came in and let her know point blank that unless she ate, they would put her on a feeding tube. She stared blankly at her hands until they left, then begrudgingly ate half of what was given to her.

It was torture. She couldn’t escape neither physically nor by pain, and it was pressing in on her on all sides.

Finally, Coulson came in and sat gently at the edge of her bed. “Do you want to go outside?” he asked.

Daisy stared at him. “Really?” she croaked.

He nodded.

Daisy narrowed her eyes. “Just outside? In the sun? Not to some _mental hospita l ?”_

Coulson nodded again. “Fitz created a portable version of your cuffs.”

“Great.” she said sarcastically.

“You need fresh air. You might feel better after. We’ll just go to a quiet area of the beach.”

She stared at him blankly, then sighed. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure.” she genuinely missed going outside. She was bored of the same white walls.

“Who do you want to go with?” Coulson asked.

“I can choose?” She replied quietly.

His eyes were kind as he said, “Whatever makes you comfortable.”

Daisy looked back down at the floor. “You and May, I guess,” she mumbled. “But I’ve been horrible to you guys.”

“That’s okay. We can do that. We’ll take you tomorrow; eat breakfast on the beach. Take care of yourself, Daisy.” And then he left. 

Daisy let a little smile escape, then squashed it. 

_What’s the point?_ She was a burden, they’d hate having her along.

  
  


.o.

  
  


The next day, she changed out of her usual grey shirt and leggings and put on jeans and a maroon t-shirt that used to be Lincoln’s. It still smelled just like him. 

The three of them left early, before the halls were too full, so Daisy could have some privacy. They didn’t say much, but Daisy smiled weakly when her face hit the fresh sunrise outside. She closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh air mixed with Lincoln’s scent, and felt happier than she had since his death.

They went in Lola, to Daisy’s surprise, because Coulson only let people he was close to sit in Lola. Daisy climbed in the backseat while Coulson and May were in the front.

Daisy began to believe him a little; that he still cared about her.

Maybe he did.

_But why?_

Daisy pressed the thought away, not wanting to hope. Hoping just made reality that much bleaker.

As Coulson pulled out of the parking lot and onto the streets of LA, Daisy closed her eyes and enjoyed the cool wind rushing past her as they drove, cooling her off and helping her relax.

May and Coulson struck up a conversation about the latest nuisance; some ghosts; and Daisy listened intently while feigning sleep, glad to hear her first bit of the outside world of SHIELD in a week.

They arrived at a more private rocky section of the beach, with a walkway off of the cliff and down to the sand. They descended; Daisy filling with warmth and surprise when Coulson pecked May on the lips before grabbing a cooler filled with their breakfast. 

It almost felt normal, until she looked over the cliff and vaguely debated jumping off. May stepped closer and pushed her further from the edge as they went down the walkway. 

“Those bands will keep you in the air,” May informed her, not unkindly.

Daisy nodded, pursing her lips. _Goddamnit, Fitz_ , she thought, but not too harshly. He’d thought of everything to keep her safe.

Or to torture her. Who knows.

They sat down on some rocks near the water, and started unpacking the food. Of course, it was all in plastic stuff. They sat there in silence, looking out at the pretty water and sunrise, when Daisy decided to take a leap. “So. When did you two get together?” she asked as she took a big bite from her eggs. They tasted like dirt, though it wasn't the egg's fault.

May and Coulson looked at her in surprise, that she’d initiated a conversation, and that it was on a relatively normal subject. “Uh. Well, a couple of months ago.”

_While she was under Hive’s sway._

“That’s cool. Finally ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ got together,” she said, referencing the old joke she used to make on the bus, back when she was still Skye.

It felt like a lifetime ago.

“Yeah,” May agreed, smiling. “ _Finally_.”

Coulson gawked at her. 

“It took you _20 years_ to make a move,” she teased.

“To be fair, you’re very intimidating.”

Daisy smiled at their bantering and let it fade into the background as she watched some seagulls fly by; the knot in her stomach unraveling just a smidge.

Eventually they had to go back. When they arrived back in the containment room, she hesitated for just a moment before turning around and giving them both quick, stiff hugs. She’d forgotten what it was like to have positive contact with them. 

“Thank you,” she said quietly, then ducked into her room and closed the door, not seeing their large smiles.

She felt loved, at least.

  
  


.o.

Things didn’t heal overnight.

Daisy still was stiff with the others, and remained on suicide and self harm watch. 

She started antidepressants, which actually helped. The world seemed to be a tad more colorful. 

Her therapist could still tell how sometimes she looked longingly at the sharp pen in his hand, and started bringing in a laptop instead.

His reports always went to May and Coulson only, with her dismissive permission. She hadn’t ever cared that they saw and she still didn’t, though now she was actually talking to the psychiatrist.

She talked about Lincoln, and Hive, and how she’d asked to go back, and how she’d been forced to kill. 

After the really hard sessions, May and Coulson began taking her out. Sometimes it was to the park, or a mountain trail, but it was always quiet, which she was grateful for.

.o.

The fog started to lift.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the love in the comments!!! <3
> 
> Heed trigger warnings

May began bringing her books. They tended to be classic, and some were written about the history of various alien things, which normally wouldn’t have interested her, but in the quiet, boring room she was stuck in, they became one more lifeline; adding on to her excursions with May and Coulson.

She tried, once, to slam a book onto her arm and break it, but the bracelets had stopped her. May had threatened to stop bringing them so Daisy left it alone.

Three weeks after Lincoln’s death, May visited as usual. She handed a stack of 5 or 6 books to a delighted Daisy, then discussed one they'd both really liked. Then May told her about all the rookies she had to train. Daisy talked infrequently, similar to how May was before the whole mess. Now, ironically, May spoke more than she did. 

Sometimes they just enjoyed each other's company. May would do paper work on the floor while Daisy would curl up with tea (in a plastic cup) and a book.

As the older woman began to wrap up and leave, Daisy spoke. “Do you- maybe want to- teach me Mandarin?” she asked hopefully, but expecting the worst. She’d learned already that if you set your expectations low, disappointments didn’t hurt as much.

May smiled warmly at her. “Of course,” she answered softly. “We can start tomorrow, on the basics, in addition to what we already tend to do.”

Daisy tried not to smile, but she knew her mentor had caught the flicker of happiness that had crossed her face. “Okay, cool,” she said, trying to keep her voice level.

.o.

Coulson tended to bring her extra food, usually stuff that he’d cooked instead of the boring Shield food that was served in the cafeteria.. Sometimes, Daisy got suspicious when it was her favorite pasta three days in a row. Almost as if she didn’t get leftovers, but the meal was made for her. He still insisted that he hadn’t gone out of his way to cook for her. 

He always brought old black and white movies, which Daisy started to really like. They felt out of time; not in her bleak world. They watched them together on the big display in the room, on the couch. They’d started on opposite ends, but after a couple of nights, she leaned in for a hug, missing physical contact with her father figure. He’d responded in kind and embraced her. 

They sat like that every night after that, Daisy letting herself relax in his arms, entertaining the thought of a different life; one where she was in the arms of her biological father and not suicidal.

.o.

Some days were worse than others; Daisy would grow silent again and wallow, once again directing the pain inward . Those were the days that all anyone could do was sit in there and make sure she didn’t try to smash her head against a wall (It happened 6 times).

Daisy didn’t pay too much attention to the dates, but when she woke up exactly one month from Lincoln’s death, she _knew._

She threw up twice in the morning, then, frustrated, tried to slam her hand in the door, May entering and grabbing her at the last second. Daisy pushed her off and retreated to her bed, curling up into a ball and letting the tears flow.

She lay there for a moment, unseeing, sobbing, when May sat down on the edge of the bed.

“After Bahrain,” she began, and Daisy was so surprised that she stopped crying momentarily. She sniffled as May said vulnerably, “I pushed everyone away. You know that. But I didn’t stop there. Nobody except for Phil knows. But I’m going to tell you, so that you understand that it gets better.” she sighed. 

Daisy, still huddled away from her, was quiet, listening.

“Three or so weeks after, I moved out from Andrew’s house and left active field duty, I couldn’t take it anymore. Phil dropped by every two days, and it was supposed to be the off day.” she paused.

“It was late. Dark outside. I was drinking wine, and I had too much, and I was just so _tired_. Tired of constantly being burdened with those memories in my sleep and my wake. Tired of everything looking and feeling bleak and numb.”

“That’s how I feel,” Daisy mumbled.

May moved closer and gently put her hand on Daisy’s shoulder. Daisy didn’t point out how much the hand was shaking. 

“I broke the wine glass and slit my wrists, then lay on my bed and waited to die. I would’ve, but Phil was there early for his visit before he had to leave for a mission. He rushed me to a hospital and held my hand the whole time, refusing to leave even when they restarted my heart. Had he been five minutes later, I would’ve been dead. I wouldn’t have met you. Or started dating him. I never would’ve found a family in the team, or discovered your favorite flavor of chocolate or known exactly how FitzSimmons organized their shelves. I never would’ve had _this,_ had I died,” she said softly. 

Daisy unfurled and hugged her mentor tightly. “Your future will be amazing,” May promised as she wrapped Daisy in her arms. “You’ll kick ass and be the best SHIELD agent I’ve ever seen. Don’t throw that away.”

Daisy shook her head. “I can’t- I’m not strong enough,” she said miserably.

“You’re stronger than I was.” May nudged her.

Daisy recoiled slightly. “No. You held out for 3 weeks. I held out for an- an hour.”

“Everybody handles trauma differently.”

Daisy sighed and curled into May’s arms more. “I miss him,” she cried.

“He wouldn’t want you doing this,” May whispered.

Daisy nodded shakily. “I know. But I can’t hold on, not even for him.”

“We’ll help you. Hold on to us,” May replied.

Daisy crinkled her nose. “That’s cheesy. Who are you, and what have you done with Melinda May?”

May chuckled and then kissed the top of Daisy’s head. “You have so much to live for, Dais.”

They held each other, then. The perfect, yet equally dysfunctional Mother- Daughter duo.

After a couple of minutes, May quickly taught Daisy how to say love, loss, memory, remembering, and family in Chinese before slipping out apologetically to execute a mission.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter because the next one will be also short but a lead in to the climax of this fic, so i have to split it here.
> 
> love you guys, thanks for all of the warm and kind words you've been sending my way <3

Only 6 people knew of her original attempted suicide, and only 4 of those 6 knew of the many, many attempts after.

Once Fitz installed the suicide-preventative cuff parameters around the base, she was warily given permission to wander around if she had someone on the team with her, and her door automatically locked at 10 at night. She was also given an upgrade to her suicide bands: a tracker.

Yay.

The first time, she had May and Jemma following her like hawks as she grabbed some things from her room. 

The second time, she visited FitzSimmons in the lab, where her hands itched to take one of the many glass beakers and shove it against her neck, at this point just to see what would happen. Coulson noticed, and even though she had the wristbands, decided to rescind her access to the lab for now.

Daisy started to frequent the garage, content with sitting quietly and watching Mack work on weapons with Fitz. To her frustration, she was made to sit very far from any prototype or completed guns.

Sometimes, she’d tentatively eat dinner with everyone, and would be able to get to know some of the new agents that had arrived once Shield started working with the government. Agent Diaz was really nice, and, her being one of the only people she knew well that didn’t know about her issues, Daisy quickly became friends with the agent.

A couple of times, she’d brush by somebody and freak, needing to be led to the nearest closet to breathe and calm down. Usually they’d need to call May or Coulson, who were the only people able to help her come back to reality and discover she was safe. 

But other than the occasional attack, Daisy found it was easier to avoid hurting herself. She started to feel almost normal again, especially after starting Tai Chi back up with May. Sometimes she’d be asked to hack into security feeds or intelligence operatives, and it made her happy that she could be useful.

One day, she was alone in her containment room, fiddling around with the code on her bands, exploring it. She really hadn’t been meaning to try to find a way to remove them. Not anymore. So when she found a flaw in Fitz’ code she altered it, just to see if she could, and the bands popped right off.

She stared at them on her desk, trembling, then slowly put them back on, reverting the code back to what it was.

She could’ve done it. She one hundred percent could have finished it right there.

But she couldn’t. It was easier with nothing too tempting around her. Had she been in the arsenal, or had a gun nearby, she didn’t think she would’ve been able to control herself. But in the room, there weren’t as many obvious ways to off herself.

Daisy smiled shakily, then closed the laptop and went to sleep.

It was still good to know she could bypass it. 

If she ever needed to.

  
  


.o.

  
  


In mission control, Coulson, Jemma, and Fitz were watching the security feeds to Daisy’s room. May was right outside her door in case something went wrong.

They watched with bated breath as the cuffs popped off of Daisy’s hands. “She found the flaw,” Fitz muttered. It’d been set there on purpose.

They followed the figure on the screen pace back and forth, wringing her hands together.  Then Daisy turned, sighed, and put the cuffs back on.

They all breathed a collective sigh of relief. “She may still use the flaw one day,” Jemma commented. “While I am happy she appears much better, she may wait until she's in the garage, for example. Then her...  _ death _ would be much quicker and we wouldn’t be able to stop it,” she pointed out.

Coulson nodded. “You could be right, but I get the feeling she’s past that.”

“I agree,” May said, entering the room with a little proud smile.

Fitz shrugged. “It alerts me when she’s taken them off. I say we leave the flaw. If she uses it again, I’ll know.” 

The others nodded. “Okay,” Coulson said. “We’ll leave it. Get anyone that can help if it alerts you, though, okay? Even people that don’t know. Her life is worth more than her privacy.”

Fitz nodded. “I can also add the alert to your comms, so you’ll know as well.”

“Do that.”

“Yes sir.” Fitz hummed as he walked away, fiddling with the tablet in his hands.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi luvs your support makes me so happy <3
> 
> I am very very not-sorry for the next two chapters

It came to a head 9 weeks after Lincoln’s death, during the week of christmas.

Daisy hadn’t touched the code since the time she’d discovered it, nor did she really plan to. The only thing she didn’t like was how the bands suppressed her powers. It was infuriating not being able to sense people and objects around her.

It was a normal mission, supposedly. An in and out retrieval of an 084 spotted in a warehouse in New Mexico. It seemed to have Asgardian tech, and, according to witnesses, was being controlled by a large gang who used it to kill anyone in their territory. Because of this, many agents were being sent, including Jemma, for medical and biological expertise on how to capture the 084. The majority of the rest of the agents on base, including Mack and Yoyo, were gone for the holidays. Because of this, the base would be relatively empty. It was the first time Daisy would be ‘chaperoned’ by Fitz, and everyone was a tad worried.

Daisy hugged May and Coulson goodbye, then waved to the gaggle of agents boarding the quinjet. Fitz stood next to her, fidgeting. 

Once the teams had left, Fitz and Daisy walked down to the empty labs. “Don’t touch anything, okay?” Fitz told her.

Daisy snorted and poked at a rat they were using for Inhuman cures. “I’m not _ five _ .”

Fitz sighed and went to work on a simulation of something-or-other dispersion. “You know what I mean.” 

She nodded, rolling her eyes, and hopped onto a chair with her laptop, quickly joining the mission’s communications feed. She’d started doing it recently, and it made her miss the field a little less. Coulson had forbidden her from any fighting or training until they were sure she wasn't a threat to herself anymore, so this was the next best thing.

Daisy listened, amused, as Agent Davis bickered with Agent Piper constantly over the 15 minute ride to New Mexico. She laid her head down on her arms on the lab table and closed her eyes, waiting for the team to arrive to New Mexico. She must’ve fallen asleep halfway through their journey, because she woke up to gunfire being played over the comms. She listened, more than a little worried, as the agents called out to each other to move certain ways and to avoid this or that.

The scariest part was when all of the agents went silent. 

“Uh- Fitz? Fitz!” she yelled. 

He came over from the other side of the labs. “What? What, is something wrong?”

“I think so. They all went silent. Comms are still on because there’s background noise. I think they’re knocked out,”  _ or worse. _

Fitz pursed his lips and walked back to where he was working. “They can handle it,” he mumbled.

“What? Fitz!”

“What? There’s nobody left on base with any combat training!”

They stared at each other, then Fitz groaned. “No. No, Daisy, you  _ can’t _ . Coulson forbade it.”

“Do you see him here?” she retorted. “They need help! Maybe I can sneak in and attack stealthily. I won’t even have to touch a weapon.”

“No.” Fitz said. “Daisy, if I have to knock you out I will-” his words were cut off as he collapsed from the dendrotoxin bullet in his chest. 

“Too slow.” Daisy swallowed. “Sorry, Fitz.”

She tucked the icer into the waistbelt of her pants. Icers were commonly left around by agents, since they weren’t lethal or harmful. May had let Daisy practice a few rounds with one a couple of times, so she wasn’t completely clunky with it, though her muscle memory on how to easily use it had faded considerably.

She quickly dismantled the bands around her wrists, using the chink in Fitz’s code that she was beginning to suspect was on purpose since it was so obvious.

Letting out a tiny quake, she reveled in how alive everything seemed, with all of the vibrations surrounding her.

Finally free, she made her way down to the hangar, quickly hopping into a Quinjet that was being cleaned. While the janitor was facing away, she closed the cargo door. 

“Fuck,” she cursed, when she realized she’d forgotten most of what May had taught her about flying. She pushed on the throttle and made educated guesses on what she needed to press to get in the air. Thankfully, the hangar doors were on automatic mode and let her clunkily get into the air. “I’m coming, guys.” she murmured as she switched on autopilot.

  
  


.o.

  
  


Coulson, May, and Simmons were gagged and handcuffed to pipes when they heard the alarm in their comm devices. They turned to each other, wide eyed. Daisy had taken the bands off. Simmons dropped her head in despair, assuming the worst.

Daisy could already be gone.

  
  


.o.

  
  


The trip had been relatively short, and she cloaked the jet as she landed clumsily in an empty lot a good half-mile from the warehouse. She got out quickly, then ran all the way to the warehouse, realizing her stamina was nothing like it used to be.

There were two goons guarding the back entrance, large, but not very smart. Daisy quickly got the jump on them, letting her body fall into the muscle memory of fighting. The two were down quickly as Daisy slipped inside, hiding in the shadows along the wall. The inside of the warehouse looked like a hangout place for douches, loud and hot and smelling suffocatingly like smoke. The 20 agents were tied up and gagged along one wall, while 50 or so large sleazy men were lounging around, getting into fistfights and drinking on old matted couches while a couple of young girls played ‘lapdog’ and were being passed around like some new toy, treated like nothing to the men. Daisy shook her head in disgust.

She didn’t see any 084.

Daisy slipped up some stairs to the second floor catwalk that circled the entire outer edge of the warehouse. It was empty and dark up there. “Perfect,” Daisy muttered, as she slipped her arms around another guarding gang member, suffocating him. Before he passed out, he grabbed her icer and crushed it, rendering it useless. “What the hell, dude?” she whispered angrily. She almost dropped him off of the second floor once he went limp.

Reluctantly, she grabbed the gun on her hip with shaky hands. She needed a long range weapon that wouldn’t immediately injure her. She didn’t have any gauntlets, so she needed to make the use of her powers count, since she’d be in extreme pain after just a couple of quakes.

_ Not yet, Daisy. You have access to a weapon now, but don’t think about it until you rescue them. _

The guy seemed to be the only one on the second floor, so she prowled around, trying to spot the 084, when it hit her. The agents weren’t dead, so the gang obviously didn’t use it. Why? What were they waiting for?

Because they didn’t have it.

_ It must’ve been a trap, _ she realized.  _ The witness was fake. _

Eyeing all of the goons, she noticed that most of them had guns of some sort. If she could use the element of surprise she could jump down, soften the blow with her powers, and then send out a harsh shock wave to knock them out.

But that wouldn’t work. It would likely hit all of the agents as well.

Maybe she could simply quake all of their weapons apart, then while they were disoriented, she could drop down and free as many agents as she could before having to fight them.

Yeah, that would work.

She took a deep breath.

“Here goes nothing,” she muttered as she raised her hands.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I keep extending the length of this lmao

They were sitting there, Coulson carefully freeing himself from the handcuffs 20 minutes after May had already painfully dislocated her thumbs and slid out easily. They were waiting on the other agents, hoping that once enough of them were free, they could fight their way out.

All of a sudden, they felt a thick vibration run through the warehouse. All of the gang’s weapons and beer bottles exploded simultaneously, causing them all to shout in alarm and start flailing around wildly, looking for their assailant. 

He and May exchanged glances, his mouth going dry. 

_ Daisy. _

  
  


.o.

  
  


Daisy dropped down to the first floor, stumbling a little, as the men started arguing and trying to scramble for weapons. She fired two warning shots above their heads to confuse them more, then ran to untie the agents, unsurprised to see May and Coulson already up. She didn’t meet their eyes as she began quaking apart everyone’s cuffs, ignoring the searing pain running up her arms. She got through 8 of them before a hand was around her throat.

“I’m gonna kill you for this, you little punk,” the thug growled into her ear, his breath hot.

Time seemed to slow down as she took deep breaths, trying to focus. 

_ She could let him. _

_ She could end it all. _

_ Release her burdens and memories and pain- _

_ But the team needed her to help get them out.  _

Daisy snarled and quaked him far away from her, the action causing her to cry out in pain. She fell to her knees, then crawled to the other agents to help the rest of them get out of their cuffs, her eyes blurry with tears after releasing the last person. She collapsed against the wall, her arms shaking.

She watched as May took out 3 goons at once, then clocked another one in the chest. She was like a tiny ball of fury, not that Daisy would ever say it aloud.

She shifted, and suddenly became aware of the gun she had on her hip. Forgetting about the fight, she slowly picked it up and held in in her trembling hands, realizing how close she was. She stared at it blankly.

She was done. She’d finished what she’d come to do.

It was so tempting, to just let go.

“Daisy.”

She wondered if she would see Lincoln again. 

“Daisy!”

But was trading a whole family who loved her more than anything for Lincoln worth it? Especially if it wasn’t guaranteed?

And what would she leave behind? Coulson had said, ‘life isn’t worth living without you.’

And what would she lose? May had told her how she almost lost her future and Coulson and Daisy that day. 

Daisy didn’t want to lose that; her  _ family. _

Coulson, and May.

Her parents.

_ “Daisy!” _

She looked up from the gun that she still held in her hand, and saw Coulson and May crouched down a few feet away from her. The warehouse thugs were all unconscious, and the other agents were nowhere to be seen. She’d lost some time.

“Uh,” she responded weakly. 

They looked  _ terrified _ . Why?

Daisy looked down to see that she had the cold barrel of the gun pressed hard into her stomach. 

“ _ Oh. _ ” she said quietly.

Daisy removed it with trembling hands and used all of her willpower to take the hard way out. She put the gun on the ground in front of her and kicked it towards May.

She stared at their relieved faces for a few moments, then crawled towards them on her fractured arms, gasping for air. She was quickly enveloped by the two strong agents who held her as she cried herself to sleep.

  
  


.o.

  
  


They held Daisy, together, as her labored breaths slowed and she fell unconscious. Melinda leaned her head on Phil’s shoulder as she stroked the younger woman’s hair.

“She gave up the gun,” Phil breathed. 

“This isn’t over,” Melinda reminded him.

He sighed. “No, it isn’t, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter!!!! <3

Daisy woke up back in her room; her arms in casts.

Her hands still had the bands on them, but Daisy noticed her door was unlocked. Normally she was restricted to her room unless someone was called to ‘chaperone’ her.

She eased her way out of the bed, wincing at the pain in her arms, then warily walked out of the room. She descended down to the kitchen, worried that it was some sort of test or something and at any moment someone would come and yell at her.

Except nobody would, because nobody in her family would ever yell at her.

Well. Maybe a little, but out of love.

Daisy stood in the empty kitchen for a moment before grabbing a banana. Passing one of the utensil drawers, she opened it and pulled out a knife.

She twirled it in her fingers for a few seconds before putting it back reluctantly, as if to prove her willpower to whatever force was beyond the grave.

“Oh! You’re up! How are you feeling?” Jemma said as she walked up to Daisy. “Thank you for saving us, by the way, though you weren’t supposed to.” She frowned. “May and Coulson aren’t very happy about that.”

“Good, you’re welcome, and  _ great _ .” She responded to each statement respectively.

“Would you like some tea? I’m making some for Fitz and I but I can make an extra cup,” she offered.

Daisy squirmed at the idea of Jemma doing something for her, such a small, simple action and yet so  _ big _ to her. “I’m okay.”

“Alright!” she said cheerfully. “So, you’ve noticed that your door isn’t locked?” She smiled.

Daisy nodded. “Yeah. Good to know that I’m not in a cage anymore.” She held up the cuffs. “Though with these, I still feel pretty restricted.”

“I’m sure they’ll be off soon, what with your rate of growth!” Jemma responded brightly.

Daisy shrugged and polished off her banana. “If you say so.”

“Hey,” they heard behind them. 

Daisy turned around to see Mack. “Hey? I thought you left for the holidays?” She asked. 

He shrugged. “Yeah, but we heard you got hurt so we came back.”

Daisy’s face crumpled a little. “You didn’t need to do that for me,” she said softly. 

“Maybe we didn’t  _ need _ to, but we wanted to. Besides, my brother ended up having to fly to meet his girlfriend in Florida. It worked out,” he reassured her.

Daisy shrugged. “I’m glad you’re here,” she admitted. “I know I haven't really talked to you much, but... I miss you.”

Mack smiled and gave her a huge bear hug. “Miss you too, tremors.” She squeezed him tight, then released him when she saw May and Coulson enter the room, their mouths both set in thin lines. 

Mack squeezed her shoulder and left along with Jemma; both of them quickly giving the trio the room, likely seeing May’s glare and making the wiser decision. Coulson, on the other hand, looked mad, but still had that little twinkle in his eye that Daisy recognized as him being proud of her. She hadn’t seen it in a while.

Or maybe she just refused to see it.

“Hey,” she said awkwardly. 

“That was dangerous,” May said flatly.

“I know. But, uh, I didn’t know what else to do. Everyone else on the base wasn’t combat ready,” she explained, feeling like that one day back at Saint Agnes when she’d been sent to Mother Maria for punching a bully in the face. “Sorry.” she said lamely.

Coulson sighed. “It worked out in the end, but it still wasn’t okay. We had those rules for a reason. We can’t trust you to train, much less be in the field.”

“But didn’t I just prove that I can go into the field?” she argued.

May shook her head. “Daisy, healing is slow. You don’t want to rush it; that could be putting too much on you at once. Some days will be worse than others. You’ve taken a big step, but you’re not there yet.”

“But you’re close,” Coulson added.

Daisy nodded, knowing that they were right and yet frustrated about it. 

“Daisy, what you did was noble, but stupid. So, we still have to punish you, at least a little.” Coulson said. He smirked. “Inventory.”

Internally, she groaned, but happily. Punishing was such a parent thing to do, and she secretly loved it. Even if it was boring. “Okay.” she answered resignedly. “Is that it?”

“No.” May walked up to her and handed her an Icer. Her old icer, the one from Fitz back after the whole Afterlife shebangle. It had been a ‘first actual birthday date’ present, with A. Johnson engraved into the handle. She hadn’t seen it since before Hive.

“What?” she asked quizzically, taking it by the handle and smiling at the ease her hand fit into it with, like it was a second home.

“Training starts again on Monday. Tai Chi and form analysis first, then we can talk about sparring and gun practice.” May said with a little smile; Coulson behind her trying and failing to hide a large grin.

Daisy gaped at her. “Really?” the gun suddenly felt heavy in her hand. This was huge. She had given them some trust back, and they were reciprocating. She grinned and nodded. “Cool. That’s- that’s cool.”

She put the icer on the table and lept into May’s arms for a hug. “Thank you,” she murmured into her mentor’s shoulder. 

“ _ Xiǎo jiāhuo, wǒ wèi nǐ gǎndào jiāo'ào _ .”

From her Mandarin training, Daisy translated it to, ‘ _ I’m so proud of you, little one _ ’.

“ _ Wǒ ài nǐ _ ,” she whispered back, ‘ _ I love you’ _ , then pulled away to give Coulson a hug.

“I’m probably going to go sleep some,” she said with a smile, picking up her icer. “See you guys. And uh, thanks again.” They nodded and watched her go.

I get the feeling she’s gonna be okay,” Coulson said softly, watching his pseudo daughter retreat.

“She’s strong,” May responded. “Stronger than I was,” she admitted. 

Coulson pulled her into a hug. “You didn’t tell her the full story, did you?”

May shook her head. “Only the last time it happened. I won’t ever tell her about the other times. It’s not something she needs to know, and it’s in the past. No need to dwell on it.” 

Coulson nodded, then kissed her forehead. “I love you,” he whispered tentatively.

She relaxed further into his arms. “I love you too.”

  
  


.o.

  
  


A month passed, and Daisy began weapons training again with May; feeling much more like herself. She also began to help run communications and hack satellite feeds for ops.

One day, she was lounging on Coulson’s super comfy chair in his office. He entered, smirking at her before plopping a stack of paperwork on the desk. “If you insist on sitting there, you might as well do all of this.” Her eyes widened and she scrambled out of the chair. He chuckled and sat down, beginning to thumb through the files.

“I proposed to May,” he said casually, as if he were simply talking about the weather. 

Daisy’s eyes nearly fell out of her head as she squealed. “What?  _ What?! _ When?” she demanded, pulling a chair up to his desk. “Tell me  _ everything _ . She said yes, right?” 

He chuckled and nodded. “Thankfully, and I did it yesterday, when we went out to dinner.”

“When’s the wedding?”

He shrugged. “We want it to be private and casual, so we haven’t really obsessed over the date.” 

Daisy frowned. “Damn.”

“Darn,” he corrected. She still wasn’t allowed to curse, according to her psychiatrist. Bad juju or whatever nonsense it was. 

“Darn,” she revised, rolling her eyes. “Private? So…”

He rolled his eyes. “Of course you’re invited, Dais. And Leo and Jemma and Mack and Yoyo. Private as in family.”

That word hit hard. He’d said 'it'  _ out loud. _

It felt tangible. It finally didn’t exist only in her head.

Daisy had a family, and Coulson had just admitted it. Her chest grew warm.

“What about May’s parents?” she asked.

“Them too. Her mother would burn me alive if she wasn’t invited.” he said offhandedly.

“Fun,” she remarked, leaning back in the chair.

“Actually, now’s a good time to talk to you about something.” He said, pushing away the paperwork and staring at her intently. She squirmed.

“Yes?” she asked.

“I have a preposition for you. One day, not now, likely not even soon, but someday, when you’re ready, I’m offering for you to be given a large responsibility, but one I think you’ll accept.”

She cocked her head and leaned forward. “I’m listening.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to bad_ash10 for helping with writing the ending paragraph part, I was so stuck on that. Oh and she betad too <3
> 
> Thanks for coming along this tumultuous journey with me! While i saw and loved all of your requests for how the story was going to end, it was prewritten, so if you don’t particularly like the ending I’m sorry. I hope you do, though.
> 
> <3

Ten months later, one year after Lincoln’s death, 5 quinjets were zooming over a large government building where a new inhuman had taken 15 people hostage. He was reported to have the ability to mind control others with ease, only by looking them in the eye.

Strike team Alpha led the jets holding all of the agents with eyeglasses that would impede the inhuman’s ability from affecting them.

“We’re descending,” May called out from the cockpit. “Lock it or lose it.” The quinjet lowered itself to the ground as Bravo, Charlie, Delta and Echo continued overhead as backup.

The strike team filed out and took their respective positions outside the building. “Do we enter, Director?” Mack asked, wielding his shotgun axe.

Back at the base, Daisy and Coulson were watching the display.

“Negative,” Director-in-training Daisy Johnson responded. “Hold your positions; await my signal.”

“Copy.”

The team watched with bated breath as the police negotiated with the inhuman, who was demanding a helicopter and one hundred thousand dollars.

“That’s too much,” Yoyo muttered over comms. “Where would they even get that ransom from?”

Daisy noticed as the police agreed to the demands, now under the man’s mind control. 

The inhuman then stepped outside of the building, and after a quick check with Coulson, Daisy commanded, “Go!”.

The team ran inside to collect the hostages as May quickly landed an icer bullet on the inhuman. “Got him,” she called out, as Mack picked the man up and blindfolded his eyes. The police barely started shaking out of their stupor as the 15 hostages were quickly placed outside by Yoyo. 

The team quickly retreated. “Mission successful,” May reported with a smile. Daisy grinned and fist bumped Coulson. 

“Third one!” she cheered.

“You’re doing great,” he praised. Training Daisy to become Director had been the right call. She understood the tough calls, and tried to find the good in everyone but was willing to put them down if there wasn’t any.

.o.

Half an hour later the team had returned and were trickling into the office with beers in hand. “Another successful mission under Miss Deputy Director,” Elena said with a wide smile.

Daisy giggled nervously. “Coulson planned almost all of the tactics, though.”

He nudged her. “No, I didn’t. Don’t downplay your victories,” he reminded her.

She smiled humbly to the ground. May entered, giving a kiss to Coulson and then hugging Daisy. “Proud of you,” she whispered. 

“Thanks, mom.” 

May smiled as she pulled away, her beautiful wedding ring catching Daisy’s eye, as usual. 

Jemma and Fitz entered joyfully. “Good job, Daisy!” Jemma exclaimed. 

“How was the new icer?” Fitz asked May.

“Great. The new handle feels a lot nicer to grip,” she praised. Fitz beamed.

Later that night, Daisy hopped onto a couch in the common room  where May and Coulson were watching a movie. She stared at the screen for a few minutes before becoming very bored.

“Today’s the anniversary of Lincoln’s death,” Daisy said abruptly, keeping her eyes on the TV.

She felt May and Coulson snap their heads to look at her. “I’m okay,” she said lightly. “Don’t worry. Just thought you should now.”

Her two parental figures relaxed. “We knew. We just didn’t want to mention it,” Coulson said awkwardly. 

As May gave her hand a gentle squeeze and Coulson brought into a tighter embrace, Melinda’s words from almost a year ago came back to Daisy. ‘Healing is slow… some days will be worse than others. But it’s worth it to fight for a bright future.’

Of course May was right, healing  _ was  _ slow and sometimes it seemed she would take two steps forward, only to take three steps back. Somehow though, the chasm that had opened within her after Lincoln’s death had started to close. It still cut deep and probably always would, but now she could remember the good times to shine a light on some of the darkness within. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicide attempt(s), self-harm attempt, panic attack. If there are more that I missed please please please let me know!!
> 
> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Feedback
> 
>   * Short comments
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> 
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> 
> If you don’t want a reply, for any reason, feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


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